Tuesday, 17 August 2010

My Struggle With Make Up

This is me wearing make up.

Whilst I was away on holiday I decided to really unwind and one of the things I wanted to do was free myself from having to put make up on and off day after day.  I've been wearing make up for about 30 plus years and feel very tied to it.  I feel afraid to let anyone outside my family see me without it and it's annoying and a bit of a trial to have to sit there and put it on every morning.  I decided that being on holiday was a great opportunity to try going without it as I didn't know anyone where we were staying.

The first morning I felt quite liberated.  I usually wear moisturiser, foundation, powder, eyebrow pencil, eye pencil, eye liner, mascara, eye shadow, blusher and maybe lipstick.  Out of this list I am most addicted to the eye pencil which I use to draw lines under my lower lashes and a close second is the mascara.  I wanted the sun on my skin and to bring out my natural freckles.  It was a lovely feeling to go bare faced and not to have to try and get it off again before I went to bed.  This freedom slotted in with having less things around me and doing less.

However, the next day I tried to repeat this but for some reason doubts had started to creep in.  I felt ugly and distressed and didn't like looking in the mirror.  I put a bit of eyeliner on and survived the day like that but it shook me up.  The thought that keeps circling in my mind is that most other women look alright without make up but I am one of the unfortunate ones who look bad naturally.  The make up I use transforms me and turns me from ugly into attractive.  I've always hated this thought and wished I had natural beauty so that I could be free.

During the rest of the holiday I continued to have days with little or no make up and my feelings fluctuated.  I realised I have an addiction and it's not just a simple question of deciding not to wear it - there are psychological consequences and I either need to go cold turkey or withdraw it gradually.  I would be happy wearing some moisturiser and a little mascara if I want but not because I feel I have to.  There is very little bare faced beauty in this world, we are indoctrinated with the need for flawless perfection and fed images of made up women. I'll try and find the courage to take a picture of myself wearing no make up for a future blog.

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